Happy 4th of July, y'all!!!

[his legs are hairier than mine.]

[almost.]

[also, fyi, i have that outfit. except my sequined short shorts are shorter.]

[yeeeoowww!!!]

broccoli-fy yourself.

so nice i'll post it twice:
[you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons]

One need not be religious or spiritual to appreciate the ability to find space for oneself, to seek self-expression, and to be indifferent to or choose not to conform to the ways of the world. A spiritual tradition or culture has often been the context, but some individuals have created their own philosophical reasons for pursuing solitude. Others have discovered renewed creativity from limited periods of solitude. As long as solitude is voluntary, not forced by psychological illness or institutional confinements or oppressions, solitude has been universal. ~from Hermitary

Not all men are called to be hermits, but all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally...For he cannot go on happily for long, unless he is in contact with the springs of spiritual life which are hidden in the depths of this own true soul. ~Merton

You think that I am impoverishing myself by withdrawing from men, but in my solitude I have woven for myself a silken web or chrysalis, and, nymph-like, shall ere long burst forth a more perfect creature, fitted for a higher society. ~Thoreau

I thrive best on solitude. If I have had a companion only one day in a week, unless it were one or two I could name, I find that the value of the week to me has been seriously affected. It dissipates my days, and often it takes me another week to get over it. ~Thoreau

I am never lonely. A lonely person is one who is not aware of the complete fullness within. When you become dependent on something outside without having awareness of the reality within you, then you will indeed be lonely. The whole search for enlightenment is to seek within, to become aware that you are complete in yourself. You are perfect. You don't need any externals. No matter what happens in any situation, you need never be lonely.
-- Swami Rama, Living with the Himalayan Masters

When a grasshopper sits on a blade of grass, he has no thought of separation, resistance, or blame. Human children prefer dragonflies whose wings and bellies are as red as chili peppers. But the green grasshopper blends completely with the green grass, and children rarely notice it. It neither retreats nor beckons. It knows nothing of philosophy or ideals. It is simply grateful for its ordinary life. -- Thich Nhat Hanh, Fragrant Palm Leaves

random videos

punch with 2 sides of bjork

i think i need a bell dress and a dancing boyfriend cat.
but then, who doesn't?

the man with the beautiful eyes

What's this? A Survey? Again?

1. What the heck is your name?
what the heck? it’s karen.

2. Do you bite your nails?
not really.

3. Are you a jealous person?
i suppose i can be.

4. What are you allergic to?
stupid people

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
i can’t recall any right now.

6. Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't?
sure. i wonder why they say it when they could just say that they’ll see me around or something else non-committal.

7. What is your favorite simple ice cream flavor?
chocolate chip cookie dough

8. Whose car were you in last?
mine

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
roadtripping, on a real beach, exploring, singing

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
my iTunes is playing, "Sade, es-tu diabolique ou divin? Sade, are you diabolical or divine?"

12. What did you dress up as for Halloween? What did you do?
i had two costumes. one was an unimaginitive zombie can-can dancer and the other was a crazy cat lady in a bathrobe with many cats attached. i was in chicago and participated in a costume contest at the gallery cabaret with scotto roboto. i did not win. luckily we were in a bar so i could drown my sorrow.

13. What are your favorite TV shows?
i don’t watch tv anymore.

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
same

15. Can others make you cry easily?
oh it depends on the subject. there’s certain subjects that almost always make me cry to talk about.

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
a boyfriend.

17 Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
yes but i certainly am not a stickler about the grammar obviously.

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
do they list those on the back? huh.

19. If you could be any type of fruit, what would you be?
i’d prefer to not be fruit. thanks.

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
7-8.

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
does the ground count? camping a week ago or so. the actual floor, i don’t know.

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone, but not physically?
yes indeedy.

27. What are some things that are needed in a relationship?
trust, compassion, physical/mental attraction,

28. Do you like traveling via airplane?
not really. but it gets you there faster.

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
if they were a good person and all that. and hopefully the tatts are not really stupid like 1200 tasmanian devils or tweety birds or something like that. i couldn’t make out with that.

30. Do you believe the guy or girl should pay on the first date?
whomever asks should pay. but i’ll always assume dutch.

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
a little.

33. Which do you make: dreams or plans?
both...though you make plans and have dreams, right?

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
i barely speak english.

35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
caesar

36. What movies do you know every line to?
labyrinth and some others

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
no but some of my exes are my best friends now

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
yes

39. Have you told someone else that secret?
no

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in it?
i usually take the picture but i like being in them more.

41. Do you wear flip-flops?
nope

42. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
i have no idea.

43. How many siblings do you have?
1

44. What's the sweetest thing someone has done for you?
don’t know.


45. When was your last road trip?
i don’t recall. does iowa city to chicago count? for some reason it doesn’t feel like it.

46. Name 3 countries you've been to:
italy, south korea, japan

47. Name 6 bands that you like:
pixies, the cure, cut copy, talking heads, camera obscura, ween

48. What are 2 names that you go by?
karen, karen

49. Who is in the house with you?
no one.

50. What are you thinking about right now?
going outside and enjoying the day rather than doing this survey

51. What's most unappealing thing about the opposite sex?
that some of them do all things through christ who strengthens them. replace “christ” with “their penis.” replace “who strengthens them” with nothing.

52. What are you doing right now?
typing. duh.

53. Last text message saved in your inbox?
something from luke

54. Why?
why not?

sex. sex is a strange thing. a great thing, mind you, and i’m glad to have experienced it in my older years but still it is a strange thing...it is especially strange to attempt to discuss such things with people who have not deprived themselves of it for a seemingly infinite amount of years and it feels as if i am speaking to a foreigner. it’s okay though. it’s best just to attempt to get them to think back to a time when they lived in a sexless world though it appears that those times are so long gone that any attempts to go there are torturous at best. sigh. in many ways i feel inadequate and strange by the fact that i am still so new to the experience but then i also feel that it’s more than the experience that i crave and thusly it makes deliberate sense. i want more than the act and sometimes i do just want the act but i want it to be with someone i care about immensely so that even then it means something even to a small degree. maybe i put the whole thing on a pedestal that it need not be on. in fact i assume i do and for this i don’t feel bad. i just wish it were easier for the guys that i do care about to understand. in this recent relationship, i said that it was difficult for me to open up (emotionally and physically. yar.) and he said that he understood this and said that he cared enough to wait. well, apparently the wait was too long and now he’s annoyed and frustrated which makes me infininitely annoyed and frustrated. who do you think you are? i can definitely understand feeling these things but to go from one to the other so quickly is cruel though most likely the way in which emotions come and go. i do not blame him for feeling the way he feels but i must question the fluctuation. in a few short days one way changes to another. this behavior is infinitely frightening and does not aid in my ability to trust. and i so want to trust. i know that i am an extremely difficult person to know and yet i also know that once you are able to even peer over the wall that it is quite easy to find me. i am there. i may front but ultimately i am so immensely wanting to know you inside and out and have you know me. it may not seem like it, i realize, but i am just afraid of hurting you and being hurt. this is a common fear and yet something that i now realize is such an amazingly beautiful thing. yes, we can be hurt...i can be hurt and yet, i want to take that chance....with you. to make such a choice with open arms is so painfully wonderful that it hurts even to talk about. with all the hurt in the world those that you know for yourself and that you’ve heard about and those that you’ve dreamed up in your head, even with all that pain and heartache, you decide to say yes to the possibility of undeniable sadness and hurt, that is so fantastic that i can’t even describe how achingly real and optimistic it makes me. on the same note though, being open to such pain is also being open to incredible happiness so maybe it’s just the hope that keeps us afloat. though i’ve found that hope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. ultimately, i’ve discovered in the last few days that i want to be open to life and all that comes with it, to not just know of relationships but to be an active participant in living and caring for other human beings and to not feel badly or strangely about it. each day, each moment is another opportunity. i do not want to waste it on hesitation.

i feel really great right now....better than i have in months. i can only assume it has to do with the physical activity. i know i've written about my not-so-secret love affair with my bike so i won't go into that but i've been running again and doing some swimming. i guess i've been gearing up for my own personal triathlon.

work is okay. i'm just burning out on it and the people i work with. i'll have a new job soon enough so that i just make this job my second job...job, job, job. that's a weird word.

anyway, unfortunately it will be a rain-filled week...but saturday which was supposed to be rain-filled as well, seems to be a decent day and my previous plans to go to the sutliff bridge that day (something i've talked about for quite some time) are still in effect. hooray. the person i'm going with is from cedar rapids as well and hadn't even heard of it either so i think it was just a popular thing in certain circles. well, if it doesn't rain we'll see what that's about...maybe i'll take a few pictures too.

also, this saturday is the grand re-opening of white rabbit, a D.I.Y. art and apparel store/boutique/gallery. it moved to a larger space above the yacht club and there will be food by redhead and bands playing...and it's free. wheeee! i'm still working on my stuff that i plan on eventually selling so it'll be good to see what other people are doing and seeing what they're charging since i have no clue how much to charge. i don't want to ask too much but i don't want to not make a little money for my hard work. well, i'll figure it out.

hmmmm...that's all to report for now. something fantastic will be happening within the week. i feel it...because i'll make it so.

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

- T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land, 1922.

ah, april was the cruellest month.

but, today is the last day and tomorrow is a beginning of something new, says i.

i have the bike i have craved. this is momentous! and better yet, some know of the call i received from the bike shop some weeks ago which had me in a semi-tizzy because i feared the reason behind it. but, when i stopped in later to put some more money down on my lay-lay-lay-away bicycle, no one mentioned any badness to me so i assumed that they had figured it all out and i had no need to worry.

alas! i paid off the bike today and they informed me that they had actually already sold the gray bike that i put money down for. i was startled for a minute but then they said that they were just going to give me the brand spankin' new 2007 model of the same bike which means it would come in a different (not boring gray) color. woo hoo! so this is my new bike:


and i like it much better. well, i'm off...i have a bike riding date so off i go...zooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!

i have decided...
tomorrow (today, actually)
is
BIKE DAY!

i'm buying my bicyclette!
i will whoosh
and swoosh!

then, i will feel better.
i know it!

i'll rap about it later...

how did i celebrate my half-birthday revelation, you ask? oh, by getting into a car accident on my day off a few hours after that post. it's been a lovely week...

i knew there was a reason why i've putting up photos of cakes lately (or at least thinking about it)....today's my half birthday! wheeeeeeee!
this means i have 6 months until i turn...

for some reason, i don't work much this weekend. i feel weird when i don't work...i'll have what seems to be massive time on my hands. last weekend i was in chicago, so i thought i'd be working this weekend but it seems i'm not. i guess i'll just get caught up on things. go get some applications and do some cleaning, maybe wash my car, put down some mo' money on my bike which is inching closer and closer to being mine, and just try to organize my life physically and mentally. my roommates will be out of town as well so i'll also have the place to myself.

life's a weird little pony. i'm teetering lately for reasons i'd rather not get into now especially since i'm waiting for a certain talk with a certain someone about certain things which will absolutely help in giving me less random frantic thoughts and sleepless nights.

all can be well.

no one belongs here more than you.

tomorrow ends my 10-day work-a-thon!
after work i'm off to chicago to see a kid i love.
woo hoo!
the weather will be lovely.
this pleases me.