Sigh. I'm confused.



QUOTE: I dwell in a dark hole that I cannot leave,
and I reach out for a hand to help but it only
gets stepped on

There will be a sad man. He has had pain and feels
like nothing is worth living for. Until he
meets you the angel hes been waiting for. He
would do anything for you because you gave him
a reason to live. He has found love in his
heart and has given all of it to you. He is
very understanding and always willing to help.

It is the kind of romance between a wounded soul
and a beautiful outcast that is nice to
everyone even though they have treated her bad.
She shows him kindness and mercy and love and
he wants to give her something back. But all
she wants is his love. And he gives her that
and more. His love for her is turned into a
necesity and he needs her to live. If she ever
left he would die too.

Nothing can come between you and no one understands
you but you don't care as long as hes there.
And in the end, together is how you both will
end.

***so i took this quiz written by (i hope) a 12-year old girl who is just very deep for her age. i guess it's supposed to tell you what the future holds for you in terms of romance. you should take it for it's name alone.


~As rain cries the tears in your eyes, Who will be the one to wipe them away?~(with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

This kid's nuts.

• My first dfilm movie...it's terrible! Enjoy!

i like ice cream. it tastes good in my mouth. i suck at blogging but i like ice cream. La. La.

I got goalz, jellyfish.

• 43 Things

"Fuck You"
by Haricot Jones

Don't come to me
To cure your itch
You beefwitted rancid
Whorebag bitch
'Cause if you do
I'll dig a ditch
And throw your runty
Garbage ass in it!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
May gophers gnaw on your tits
And spiders crawl up your ass
I'd rather have some fun
On this side of my gun
And watch them sew
Your arms back on again
YEE HAW!

Holy shit. That's some deep shit there. Beefwitted? Yeah. Garbage ass? Oh yeah. Gophers? Fuck yeah. I feel it. It's real, you know. Raw. Anyway, so I stumbled upon a website that is just chock-full of fantastically terrible teen angst poetry. It's so wonderfully painful that it takes me back to my good ol' angst-filled days of yesterday. And by yesterday I do mean, uh, Tuesday.


Enjoy another...delicious!

"Anthem For The Disrespected"

Fuck off and die you fucking bastard.
Who the fuck do you think I am?
Someone who's here at your convenience?
If this was a test you'd fail the exam.

If you say you're gonna call
then you call.
Don't play games with me.
I never wanna see you again.

Eat shit asshole.
You creepy coward panty stealing fuck-up.
Die die die.
Fuck off and die.
Die Die fuck off and die.

See that one started off okay and then it got a wee bit hate-filled towards the end. Panty stealing? Yeah, not cool. She's right to tell him to fuck off and die. Repeatedly.

These poems inspire me. I think I'll try one now.
Um....let's see....


"Blackness Within This Soul of Emptiness & Pain"

you. your cold eyes staring through
me.
no recognition. i am something
close enough
to dead
for it to be my new unyielding truth.
the despair washes over me
casading sadness overwhelms me
i no longer feel the blood in my veins
i have no pulse
my heart has stopped.
you have stopped it.
with just one languid look.
how can i exist without...you?
YEE HAW! Gopher tits!

Pretty good, huh? I'm switching my major to English. Creative writing? Yes! Poetry? Yes! Candidate for the Writers' Workshop? Hell yes! I'm all over it, yo.

Gaze into the hypnotic power of Mr. Goat's smiling goat face.
He'll make you happy-happy & put a twinkle in your eye.

ooooooooh! i'm so horrifically excited to have a holiday break for an entire frickin' week next week. i'm just gonna spend a whole day whippin' cupcakes at the wall. fantastic! i don't have any specific plans with the exception of hanging out with my mommykins on thanksgiving. her friend kay is having a big ol' (traditional thanksgiving?) japanese dinner thing that we'll be attending. that should be kinda fun despite the fact that there's going to be a whole lotta of people there that i don't know. i plan on doing a lot of polite smiling. maybe a little inappropriate dance involving the mashed potatoes but not the gravy of course since that'd just be awkward for everybody.

tomorrow i'm going to see the new harry potter movie. it'd better be good or i'm going to burn the theater down. or maybe i'll just bitch for a good five minutes about how it was a sucky suck of a movie and that i was jealous of cedric when he died. yay! potter!

then, i'm going to see a potentially weird show at gabes with some local bands involving some people i used to be involved with in some capacity. it should be something close enough to what it may be like to find yourself in a room with your ex's & how that would most likely be creepily bizarre. but actually it shouldn't be that strange since it's just 2 people & it's been a really long time anyway. besides there's no bad thoughts that i have about them & i wouldn't think that they would have any negative thoughts of me. i don't even consider either one an ex really, just someone i dated for a while. an interesting social experiment i suppose. the music should be a'ight & i've been really dying to see some live music of late. good luck with that, me.

next weekend is the sexual buddha show at the mill. i thought of going but it's more fun to go to those things with darcy and apparently she's been ba-ba-banned from the show by her actual ex who is in the band....along with her other ex who is also in the band. too much information, d? that's all i'll say about that...besides that's silliness & i don't approve.

um, what else? well, i have 5 classes tomorrow and then t-break happiness. yay! maybe some of you should expect drunk karen calls within the next few days. i promise i won't try to rap this time. or sing. actually i can't promise anything...in regards to this anyway. i may call and just make not-so-soothing ocean sounds or i might try to purr at you which would possibility result in puke. just kidding. i don't puke. ever. it's unladylike.

Hmmmm....It's very early in the afternoon & yet I find myself a wee bit drunk after eating a happy lunch & drinking margaritas after class at Mickey's with Darcy. Not entirely sure why I should be blogging after finding myself this way but here I am, type-type-typing away. I found Ellen's recent post about drunk blogging damn near inspirational so maybe that's close enough to a reason to be type-babbling. Sigh. Things are definitely odd right now. I go to my classes for the most part, do what I must do, come home, eat, rest & relax, do homework, and sleep. Sometimes I go out but since the weather's been changing I find myself despising the outdoors with the rain &/or cold &/or windy stuff. Once the snow comes I fear that I will need to drop out of school so that I won't need to venture outside. Is that lazy or am I just particularly susceptible the to waves of hate that accompany the shivering sadness that I become in the winter?
I think that I need a vacation. From Iowa City at least. Ever since I went to New York this summer to visit my friend John, I've been wanting to go back. I'd love to see his neighborhood in the winter which probably strange since I probably wouldn't want to go outside. I miss the rat/asthma playground & Chompy. I miss getting candy from the creepy pimpy clerk whenever I'd go buy 99-cent Arizona canned beverages from that convenience store by the train stop. I miss wandering the city on my own. I miss Chinatown & seeing live eels for sale swimming around little red plastic tubs in the middle of the street. I miss visiting Johnno at Forbidden Planet & his recommending random comic books/graphic novels to me that I most likely will never get around to reading. I miss Coney Island and I wish I had gotten around to spending more time there & visiting Astroland. I don't know. I'm too nostalgic and sentimental. I miss everything all the time. I miss everyone I care about. Then, the people I want most to know that I care about are the ones I'm sometimes least likely to tell. Awwww...sad Christmas.

Rather boring weekend. I went to the Deadwood on Friday. Darcy stopped by on her way to work and we walked there together. Prior to this I was drinking alone in my apartment. Woo hoo! I thought i'd make it a classy evening by jumping on the Boone's train early and see just where it would take me. Apparently to the Deadwood. As usual. It was a bizarro night though. No one that I usually see & like was there so I was just sitting in a big ol' booth by my lonesome crying & drinking my Leinie's Red. I didn't bring my journal so I had very little to do but stare at people I didn't know, the table, the edge of the table, the carpet, and the table again. It sounds entertaining but it wasn't really. Eventually this girl I know came over and sat down. Everything was fine for a while. She's nice enough and we talked about art since she's an artist herself but after she gets a little tipsy she becomes a raging molesting lesbian. I felt like I was in a fucked up afterschool special. I practically had to beat her off of me. Luckily, a table of Darcy's co-workers who weren't working that night decided to help me and invited me to scamper over to their table instead. It ended up being a nice happy thing because I met this guy who's an intermedia student at the university & we talked about photography & good music for the remainder of the night. It's always nice to meet nice people.
Anyway, Saturday I intended on going to the Deadwood for the big karaoke shabangery but it was so rainy and cold that I just didn't feel up to making the trek there. I was up for it on Friday but the cold just makes me want to veg out in front of the television, hugging my space heater. My space heater is my best friend and secret lover come wintertime. And it oscillates. Which makes it more difficult to hug but I do it anyway.
So, Sunday I got caught up on the netflix dvds I'd been neglecting to watch. I got The Lonely Guy which is a Steve Martin film that I'd actually never seen before. It started off really good but towards the end I wasn't very enthusiastic about it very much at all. It was still okay & had some pretty funny moments but it's no The Jerk.
Then, Darcy invited me to go to sushi with some people she knows from work. I wasn't really feeling like going out especially to meet random people since I have my social anxiety tendencies but I went & it turned out to be a really enjoyable evening. Everyone there was really nice & funny & the guy who invited everyone is apparently pretty well off & paid for everybody as well. Really nice. After that I came home, put on my track suit & played with a little cardboard kitty [photo] while watching the Simpsons Halloween Special. La la la.
I think that's the best story I've ever told. This weekend definitely kicked last weekend's ass in no way whatsoever. By the way, thank you again Darcy for throwing my birthday party-thing. It was definitely odd but fantastically entertaining. Thank you! Thank you! And to Sarah for putting up with me & allowing the party in her home as well. And to Scott for traveling all the way from Chicago to be there. It was wonderful to see you. But stop grinding your teeth. It's bad for you.

My friend asked me to do one of these survey things so here it is. You should do it too & send it to me. Or post it if you wish.

[Marital Status]	Single, never married
[Shoe size]	7 & 1/2
[Parents still together]	Divorced
[Siblings]	Older brother
[Pets]	none at present.
FAVORITES
[Color]	Blue-violet
[Number]	7, 27
[Animal]	wee kitties
[Drinks]	whiskey, port, beer, hot cocoa
[Soda]	Pepsi, Orange Sunkist, Cherry colas
[Book]	Sideways Stories from Wayside School, A Light in the Attic
[Flower]	Calla Lilies, Stargazers
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]	yes. I've been almost every color imaginable at some point in my life.
[Twirl your hair?]	not really
[Have tattoos?]	nope
[Have Piercings?]	just my ears
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	not really
[Drink/Smoke?]	yes/no
[Like roller coasters?]	kinda
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	oh yes. iowa makes me a little sad sometimes.
[Want more piercings?]	yes
[Like cleaning?]	no
[Write in cursive or print?]	it depends. i think i print more i guess.
[Own a web cam?]	nope
[Know how to drive?]	yup
[Own a cell phone?]	yup
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	not really
HAVE U EVER
[Been in a fist fight?]	almost
[Considered a life of crime?]	i considered it...too much work
[Considered being a hooker?]	of course...too little work (sigh)
[Lied to someone?]	yup
[Been in love?]	yup
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	kinda
[Been in lust?]	oh yes
[Used someone]	probably unfortunately
[Been used?]	probably unfortunately
[Been cheated on?]	not to my knowledge
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	yup
[Stolen anything?]	yes
[Held a gun]	does the duck hunt gun count?
CURRENTS
[Current clothing]	yes i currently wear them
[Current mood]	a little lazy
[Current taste]	what's that mean?
[What you currently smell like]	a wonderful dream
[Current hair]	pigtails
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	homework
[Current cd in stereo]	michael jackson
[Last book you read]	sputnik sweetheart by Murakami
[Last movie you saw]	The Lonely Guy
[Last thing you ate]	Homemade Veggie Chili
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	my best friend
[Do drugs?]	Today? No.
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	Sure. Why not?
Remember your first love?]	Of course.
[Still love him/her?]	In a way I suppose.
[Read the newspaper?]	yes.
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	yes.
[Believe in miracles?]	The Amy Grant kind? No.
[Do well in school?]	Usually.
[Wear hats]	Still searching for that perfect one.
[Hate yourself?]	Not usually.
[Have an obsession?]	Kinda.
[Collect anything?]	I used to collect stamps as kid. Now, dust. And rap musk testas.
[Have a best friend?]	Yes. 3.
[Close friends?]	Same as above.
[Like your handwriting?]	I guess.
[Care about looks]	I don't care how other people look...as long as I can see my reflection in their eyes. I can't get enough of me. Me, me, me.
LOVE LIFE
[First crush]	Oooh. Um, a boy in second grade named Cory, I think. His ears stuck out. I found him adorable.
[First kiss]	A guy named Geoff. This was in high school.
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	Sure.
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	Not really. I think lots of different people can be compatible.
[Are you a tease?]	I don't think so. wink-wink. rowr.
[Too shy to make the first move?]	Usually.
ARE U A
[Daydreamer]	i'm a daydream believer.
[Bitch/Asshole]	not really.
[sarcastic]	oh yes.
[Angel]	no
[Devil]	no
[Shy]	very much. Kajagoogoo shy.
[Talkative]	can be. around my friends & i've heard drunk karen talks a lot.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Happy now, j?

Hiya. Well, here are the Halloween costumes my friend Darcy & I wore this year. Darcy was Lakshmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth and purity. I went all mythological myself as the Domino's Noid. Why? No clue. I'm sick. I guess I've been feeling nostalgic lately and felt like re-visiting the 80s. Oh, and I like pizza. Man, do I like pizza. Unfortunately I was never a fan of the Noid so it's rather odd that I decided that that would be the way to go this year but, meh. I also never particularly liked claymation crap such as those delightful California Raisins with their sunglasses and singing and constant slow-motion twirling so once again, it's kinda weird that I chose him. But, it was enjoyable walking around the city in the costume & kinda funny having the drunk kids yell out "NOID!" at me in the bar or on the street and getting pictures taken with the weirdos. I felt almost famous-ish. Saturday was fun. We went to the Deadwood and participated in the costume contest where I made a total ass of myself by attempting to gain more votes by doing some awesome dance moves including the running man, cabbage patch, & some other moves that shouldn't be done in front of a lot of people on a stage unless you're getting paid. For some reason (meaning a jerk in a Bender costume), I didn't win but I got a sash for Most Enthusiastic Display of Embarrassing Behavior that I made for myself when I got home with duct tape and a Sharpie. Uncool? Doubt it.