narrated knife fight

2008-06-17T22:11:00.012-05:00

Flood Photos
(art/music buildings)
(city park)

looking down river street to the art building on north riverside

same -- closer

museum of art

art museum/art building stretch

new art building

looking down on north riverside the "I" hill

hancher lot (voxman music building)

voxman closer

sandbagging efforts along sidewalk from hancher to city park
(in background is the ped bridge by the music building --
river water is touching the bridge)

entrance to city park

looking down park road to dubuque street

same -- closer view of park road bridge

riverside theatre (city park)

2008-06-04T12:59:00.011-05:00

mein mosaic

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favourite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favourite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

2008-04-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

2008-03-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

2008-02-14T13:37:00.001-06:00

i have no idea what's going on here.

2008-02-12T16:13:00.000-06:00

Leo's Song from impactist on Vimeo.

2008-02-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

2008-02-11T21:14:00.000-06:00

2008-02-11T21:01:00.002-06:00

2008-02-07T13:33:00.001-06:00

2008-02-05T12:25:00.000-06:00

happy birthday steve!
here's a cake for you!
and it has hello kitty on it...
you know how us japs love herro kitty.

2008-02-05T12:19:00.000-06:00

for the love of zeus
stop snowing!

2008-02-03T15:02:00.000-06:00

fuck this
fucking snow.

2008-01-29T17:21:00.000-06:00

have you ever wanted
jambalaya so badly
that you would squish a puppy?

not a cute one of course.

(ps--this one is not cute.)

squish. squish.

2008-01-29T17:04:00.001-06:00

2008-01-22T13:59:00.000-06:00

The Christian god is a three-headed monster;

cruel, vengeful, and capricious.

If one wishes to know more

of this raging,
three-headed beast-like god,

one only needs to look

at the caliber of people

who say

they serve him.

They are always of two classes:

fools and hypocrites...

Religions are all alike –

founded upon fables and mythologies...

It is always better

to have no ideas

than false ones;

to believe nothing,

than to believe

what is wrong.

--attr. to Thomas Jefferson

2008-01-21T16:07:00.000-06:00

why do i kinda want these?

2008-01-15T14:59:00.001-06:00

2008-01-07T16:39:00.000-06:00

so, the deadwood's got this photo booth...

(ellen, me, and darcy drunk and photogenic on new year's eve)

2007-12-04T13:07:00.000-06:00

i'm crafting it up at waloc 3 this year.
there's sixteen vendors.
i gave them my information and they still misspelled my design name.
whatever.
***ultraviolette***
will be selling messenger bags, jewelry, felt barrette creations,
screen printed holiday cards, and possibly some clothing and photography if i can manage to
get it together by saturday.
there's also an art show at the picador.
i will be showing work there as well.
it's crafty goodness week!
if you're in town, show up!
crafts, art, musics, and booze!!!
what more could you ask for?

what a load of craft 3
@ the picador
saturday 12/8/07
3 PM until 2 AM
music at nine

(i'll probably post some pictures of my stuff this week)

2007-12-04T00:35:00.001-06:00

2007-11-26T14:17:00.000-06:00

moar funny pictures

2007-11-14T12:37:00.001-06:00

i know i'm not a dude but apparently i really want a morning glory urinal.
i just didn't know it until i seen it with me own eyez.

gorgeous!

(actually, check out this guy's work. he works primarily in
the urinal arts. that's pretty interesting. blam!)

2007-11-13T13:16:00.001-06:00

there's lightning bolts in my chest

2007-11-07T00:36:00.001-06:00

Halloween Pictures!

don't ask what i'm supposed to be.
let's go with daisuki, obscure wacky japanese anime character
who is a space witch that carries a special orange flashlight
with magical powers.
yup, that sounds about right.

me and zombie steve
(i did his makeup. he looks good with rotting flesh.)

2007-11-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

i
heart
devotay.

2007-10-30T14:53:00.001-05:00

2007-10-29T15:56:00.000-05:00

i am 30.
I am 30.

hmmmm....i feel a little different. but that's just the part of myself that decided that it would be nice to feel different, i imagine. i am still me, of course. continuous me. throughout my teen years and into my twenties, hell, even when i was 29 (just three days ago) i felt like 30 was sooooo fucking old. you were doomed at 30. you're in it for sure. what exactly? not sure...adulthood i guess. but, i still feel the same more or less. i change everyday and yet not change. i evaluate my thoughts, feelings, experiences at varying levels every moment and then re-evaluate them. i think if anything has changed it is my ability to appreciate this fully. i feel like i've taken some things for granted. hell, i take most things for granted...it's how i can survive the day. if i didn't i'd probably be so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone and everything that has impacted me throughout this day and all the other days of my life that i could do nothing but cry. and i'd be grateful for that too.

as cheesy as it sounds, each day IS a gift. my heart is full.

2007-10-26T14:09:00.001-05:00

2007-10-25T04:53:00.000-05:00

super cool website of the day!
[clicky clicky]

2007-10-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

come to my party
or i'll sick this freaky bee on you.

buzz buzz buzz

FYI:

2007-10-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

"dude, karen's gonna be all thirty in a week."

2007-10-18T13:29:00.001-05:00

i mentioned my birthday's coming up, right?

2007-10-18T13:22:00.001-05:00

2007-10-15T13:44:00.000-05:00

i love halloween.
and cakes.
i love halloween cakes.
my birthday is in less than 2 weeks.
i love birthday cakes too.
is a combination bday/halloween celebration called a halloday or a birthween?
i can't decide.

boo! read this.
now THAT'S scary.

2007-10-11T02:31:00.000-05:00

sure, i'll do another one of these:

*Your Life: The Soundtrack*
Opening credits:	When It's Cold I'd Like To Die -- Moby
Waking up:	Rock Bottom Riser -- smog
Average day:	Under Pressure -- Bowie/Queen
First date:	Inflammatory Writ -- Joanna Newsom
Falling in love:	Head Over Heels -- The Go-Go's
Love scene:	Sorrow Boy -- Akron/Family
Fight scene:	Dog In Heat -- Missy Elliot
Breaking up:	Idioteque -- Radiohead
Getting back together:	A.W.O.L. --Yellowcard
Secret love:	Had A Dad -- Jane's Addiction (gross)
Life's okay:	It's Too Late --The Streets
Mental breakdown:	Diamond Dogs -- Bowie
Driving:	Torn Curtain -- Television
Learning a lesson:	Tear Out my Eyes --Tricky
Deep thought:	Bad Wisdom -- Suzanne Vega
Flashback:	American Girl -- Tom Petty
Partying:	Peking Saint -- Cat Power
Happy dance:	Me-Jane -- PJ Harvey
Regreting:	Jacksonville -- Sufjan Stevens
Long night alone:	Happy Ending -- Pizzicato 5
Death scene:	Motion Picture Soundtrack -- Radiohead
Closing credits:	Bitches Ain't Shit cover -- Ben Folds
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

2007-10-08T15:52:00.001-05:00

i have no idea.

2007-10-08T01:06:00.001-05:00

smoke 'em if you got 'em

2007-10-02T01:48:00.001-05:00

all glory to the hypnotoad!

2007-10-01T01:21:00.000-05:00

it's october!
do the monster mash.

2007-09-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

i think i've always wanted to sleep on a

really big sandwich.

but that's normal, right?

2007-09-15T14:11:00.001-05:00

2007-09-12T00:22:00.000-05:00

finally!
i don't know how many times i've said the planet needs these.

2007-09-11T19:47:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

time, a-time, a-time
for a survey-y

(time, a-time, a-time
for a survey-y)

1. Name one person who made you smile yesterday?
hmmm...i made myself smile at my ridiculous singing with the radio on my road trip home from chicago.

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping o'rama.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching a pretty awful romantical movie, sewing, making barrettes, and thinking about painting.

4. What is something that happened to you in 1994?
'94? um, i was in high school either a sophomore or junior and most likely living the good life of having zero responsibility.

5. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Oh, that's terrible." in regards to a particularly bad ending to a cheesy movie.

6. How many different things did you drink today?
one thing: cherry pepsi.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
it's wood colored. light colored wood. and it's round. i have a black one too. it's round as well.

8. What was the last thing you bought?
taco stuff to make tacos.

9. What was the last gift you received for your birthday?
my birthday? i don't remember.

10. What color is your front door?
white, a'ight?

11. Where do you keep your change?
in my car's ash tray.

12. What was the weather like today?
periodically rainy and not periodically cold. it's was time to break out the sweaters weather.

13. Who were your three last hugs from?
scott. he's good for huggin'.

14. What is something you are excited about?
hmmm...nothing specifically comes to mind. i think i'd better do something about that pronto.

15. When was the last rainbow you saw?
on september 5th and 6th. the one on the fifth i remember because it was scotto's birthday and i figured it was his bday rainbow. the one on the 6th was huge and i could see the whole thing across the sky. both were lovely. it made me remember how nice they are to see.

16. What size shoe do you wear?
7.5

17. Do you have a sister?
no

18. Are you very random?
it depends on my brain.

19. Do you want to cut your hair?
i always want to do something to it. i'm cuckoo like that. if i were patient i'd grow it out but it takes forever and when i'm bored i feel compelled to mess around with it. chop chop.

20. Are you over the age of 25?
as far as i know.

21. Do you talk a lot?
depends. most people would say no enthusiastically.

22. Do you watch The O.C.?
no

23. Does your screen name have an "x" in it?
not yet. should it?

24. Do you know anyone named Steven?
steven tyler? not personally. no, no stevens. ellen's boyfriend is steve. is that close enough?

25. Do you make up your own words?
when necessary...which is alwaysaphone.

26. Are you ticklish?
sometimes.

27. Are you typically a jealous person?
i can be.

28. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "B":
bjork.

29. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "J":
john.

31. What did the last text message you received say?
lemme check..."Just getting in" from rsp meeting me at the rock show.

32. Do you chew on your straws?
not usually

33. Do you have curly hair?
in a jar on my nightstand. wait, no.

34. What is the next concert you're going to?
just went to hideout block party. that was a-ok. next thing i'm thinking about seeing okkervil river on saturday for something to do. and i'm definitely going to the good life show on 9/26 at picador.

35. Who is the worst person in your life?
i try to keep the bad ones away.

36. How many times have you cussed today?
i don't think i have today.

37. What is something you say a lot?
"hmmmm" and "the"

38. What is the last thing you ate?
one of those tiny bars of chocolate that come in the variety pack o' small hershey chocolates. i had a bite of a special dark. rowr.

39. Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"?
yeah. rabbit guy. scary or whatever.

40. Do you have work tomorrow?
no! yay!

41. Is marriage in your future?
not currently. thank you.

42. When was the last time you said "I love you"?
to my mother a few days ago.

43. What should you be doing now?
cleaning.

44. Do you have a nickname?
no.

45. Are you a heavy sleeper?
not usually.

46. When was the last time you used a skateboard?
um, a few months ago and IT used ME. (sob)

47. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
i watch so many movies and i can't even think of one right now. well, i did like the goofy will ferrell/jon heder skating movie. that was just mind numbing silliness which is good for me sometimes.

48. Is there anyone you like right now?
not really.

49. When was the last time you did the dishes, be honest...?
today actually.

50. Are you currently depressed?
a bit. i may need to borrow some kittens.

ps--i took a quiz to find out what animal i am and apparently this is the result:

You're a Walrus!

A while back, maybe even before you were born, some rock band really
ruined your name for a lot of people. So while you've grown whiskers and tried to
look older and more distinguished, they still ponder you with a strange glint in
their eye. Never mind them, they are the eggmen. You like really cold places and don't
even know what getting a tan from standing in the English rain means! You used to hate
your oversized teeth, but now you've grown to appreciate them. Goo goo
g'joob.

Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

2007-09-10T14:59:00.000-05:00

i had a rather nice weekend. worked friday and sunday but in between i went to chicago to attend the

hideout block party

i volunteered at the event last year while i was living in chicago and it was a grand time. this year, the weather was nicer though oddly chilly at times but the sunshine was fantastic and it was nice just to sit around amongst people, drink multiple beers, and listen to live music in the open air.

scott met up with me after my beer ticket selling duties were done. he was wearing a florida shirt and saw another dude wearing a different florida shirt and scott said he thought they should rub their floridas together. i don't know why i'm writing about that but for some reason i still find it funny.

2007-09-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

2007-09-03T02:15:00.000-05:00

Drivin' on 9
Looking out my window cell
Wondering if I want you still
Wondering what's right.

2007-08-31T14:32:00.003-05:00

i feel better, i feel better!

2007-08-28T23:16:00.000-05:00

The Simpsons Movie - Spider Pig

Add to My Profile | More Videos

you knew it was gonna end up on here at some point.

2007-08-27T13:06:00.001-05:00

i'm sick.
i have the next few days off so that should help.
but i am dying and thought i should let you know.
cough, cough, cough. honk.

2007-08-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

it's miranda july and blonde redhead.

2007-08-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

Teen Love Poem

TYRELL
By Nicole D. Evans

Baby? I luv u so much
I can't even deny but once
you lie I craw up in want to die

Ur the one I want 2 be wit
but it hard 2 when ur not there
I kno ur on probation for 5 yrs
but that don't mean I don't care

when we talk there's so much laughter
but once my friends get on the phone there
so much disaster

Why? why do we have 2 go though dis
All I want to do is love u why is this so hard. Does life have 2 go dis way.damn is this really love or is it just make believe can u please tell me.

~ Nicole ~

2007-08-23T03:59:00.000-05:00

walken 2008

2007-08-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

randomly found this person's flickr photos.
he calls himself "snailbooty"
i love the work.
check it out on slideshow if you have some time.

thee peanut gallery

2007-08-21T19:51:00.001-05:00

2007-08-21T12:53:00.001-05:00

2007-08-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

it's going to rain forever.

2007-08-14T00:06:00.000-05:00

flight of the conchords

"business time"

"bowie song"

2007-08-09T01:23:00.001-05:00

2007-08-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

science is fun

2007-08-06T01:29:00.000-05:00

anything is possible at zombo com

2007-08-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

kinda neat.
this video, "ankle injuries"
by Fujiya & Miyagi
is animated using multi-colored dice.

2007-08-02T15:01:00.000-05:00

Don Hertzfeldt

(scares me in such a delightful way)

2007-08-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

IT'S AUGUST, KIDS!
learn something

[here]

2007-08-01T02:44:00.000-05:00

ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.
can't compete with feet

[thanks for the creepy link, mister you-know-who-you-are]

2007-07-31T20:09:00.000-05:00

there's too many of these. here's another.

2007-07-28T02:25:00.000-05:00

there is a God:
[and he hates us]

corey squared

2007-07-25T03:41:00.000-05:00

learning english is fun.

my bottom feels strange.

2007-07-25T03:29:00.000-05:00

oh, hoff, you're a national treasure.

2007-07-24T21:16:00.001-05:00

just because.

2007-07-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

------------------------------------------------------------
last weekend i went to chicago for the pitchfork music festival.
it was rocking fun.
saw grizzly bear, battles, iron & wine, cat power, and yoko ono.
was an interesting experience to see yoko.
i loved cat power o'rama. i enjoyed myself greatly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

i also got to go to the chicago kwik e mart.
pictures below:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is the outside at night. obviously.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

an ad for springfield's bank on the outside of the building and marge lurking in the dark.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

scott, marge, me, and apu (inside, smiling like crazy)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

apu!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

scott lovingly stroking marge's giant blue hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

goofy lookin' me poking marge in the eye. she liked it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

inside. beauteous pink donuts, me with krusty-o's, and chief wiggum making sure i don't shoplift.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ralph eats a popsicle. i keep holding my box o' frosted cereal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

a slightly blurry pic of me trying to get fresh with comic book guy. how could i not? he's got a hot ass and i love nachos.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-07-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

i love the sasquatch

2007-07-12T15:15:00.001-05:00

2007-07-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

i was thinking

about the bjork video

(that i previously posted)

i was
randomly flipping

through the dictionary

post playing scrabble.

found this word

which

is a new

favorite

of mine:

tintinnabulation: (n.) the ringing sound of bells

rock you like a hurricane

2007-07-04T12:59:00.001-05:00

Happy 4th of July, y'all!!!

[his legs are hairier than mine.]

[almost.]

[also, fyi, i have that outfit. except my sequined short shorts are shorter.]

[yeeeoowww!!!]

2007-07-03T13:50:00.002-05:00

broccoli-fy yourself.

2007-07-02T12:44:00.001-05:00

so nice i'll post it twice:
[you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons]

2007-07-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

One need not be religious or spiritual to appreciate the ability to find space for oneself, to seek self-expression, and to be indifferent to or choose not to conform to the ways of the world. A spiritual tradition or culture has often been the context, but some individuals have created their own philosophical reasons for pursuing solitude. Others have discovered renewed creativity from limited periods of solitude. As long as solitude is voluntary, not forced by psychological illness or institutional confinements or oppressions, solitude has been universal. ~from Hermitary

Not all men are called to be hermits, but all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally...For he cannot go on happily for long, unless he is in contact with the springs of spiritual life which are hidden in the depths of this own true soul. ~Merton

You think that I am impoverishing myself by withdrawing from men, but in my solitude I have woven for myself a silken web or chrysalis, and, nymph-like, shall ere long burst forth a more perfect creature, fitted for a higher society. ~Thoreau

I thrive best on solitude. If I have had a companion only one day in a week, unless it were one or two I could name, I find that the value of the week to me has been seriously affected. It dissipates my days, and often it takes me another week to get over it. ~Thoreau

I am never lonely. A lonely person is one who is not aware of the complete fullness within. When you become dependent on something outside without having awareness of the reality within you, then you will indeed be lonely. The whole search for enlightenment is to seek within, to become aware that you are complete in yourself. You are perfect. You don't need any externals. No matter what happens in any situation, you need never be lonely.
-- Swami Rama, Living with the Himalayan Masters

When a grasshopper sits on a blade of grass, he has no thought of separation, resistance, or blame. Human children prefer dragonflies whose wings and bellies are as red as chili peppers. But the green grasshopper blends completely with the green grass, and children rarely notice it. It neither retreats nor beckons. It knows nothing of philosophy or ideals. It is simply grateful for its ordinary life. -- Thich Nhat Hanh, Fragrant Palm Leaves

2007-06-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

random videos

2007-06-24T13:24:00.001-05:00

2007-06-24T01:04:00.001-05:00

punch with 2 sides of bjork

i think i need a bell dress and a dancing boyfriend cat.
but then, who doesn't?

2007-06-22T00:27:00.001-05:00

the man with the beautiful eyes

2007-06-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

What's this? A Survey? Again?

1. What the heck is your name?
what the heck? it’s karen.

2. Do you bite your nails?
not really.

3. Are you a jealous person?
i suppose i can be.

4. What are you allergic to?
stupid people

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
i can’t recall any right now.

6. Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't?
sure. i wonder why they say it when they could just say that they’ll see me around or something else non-committal.

7. What is your favorite simple ice cream flavor?
chocolate chip cookie dough

8. Whose car were you in last?
mine

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
roadtripping, on a real beach, exploring, singing

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
my iTunes is playing, "Sade, es-tu diabolique ou divin? Sade, are you diabolical or divine?"

12. What did you dress up as for Halloween? What did you do?
i had two costumes. one was an unimaginitive zombie can-can dancer and the other was a crazy cat lady in a bathrobe with many cats attached. i was in chicago and participated in a costume contest at the gallery cabaret with scotto roboto. i did not win. luckily we were in a bar so i could drown my sorrow.

13. What are your favorite TV shows?
i don’t watch tv anymore.

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
same

15. Can others make you cry easily?
oh it depends on the subject. there’s certain subjects that almost always make me cry to talk about.

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
a boyfriend.

17 Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
yes but i certainly am not a stickler about the grammar obviously.

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
do they list those on the back? huh.

19. If you could be any type of fruit, what would you be?
i’d prefer to not be fruit. thanks.

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
7-8.

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
does the ground count? camping a week ago or so. the actual floor, i don’t know.

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone, but not physically?
yes indeedy.

27. What are some things that are needed in a relationship?
trust, compassion, physical/mental attraction,

28. Do you like traveling via airplane?
not really. but it gets you there faster.

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
if they were a good person and all that. and hopefully the tatts are not really stupid like 1200 tasmanian devils or tweety birds or something like that. i couldn’t make out with that.

30. Do you believe the guy or girl should pay on the first date?
whomever asks should pay. but i’ll always assume dutch.

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
a little.

33. Which do you make: dreams or plans?
both...though you make plans and have dreams, right?

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
i barely speak english.

35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
caesar

36. What movies do you know every line to?
labyrinth and some others

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
no but some of my exes are my best friends now

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
yes

39. Have you told someone else that secret?
no

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in it?
i usually take the picture but i like being in them more.

41. Do you wear flip-flops?
nope

42. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
i have no idea.

43. How many siblings do you have?
1

44. What's the sweetest thing someone has done for you?
don’t know.

45. When was your last road trip?
i don’t recall. does iowa city to chicago count? for some reason it doesn’t feel like it.

46. Name 3 countries you've been to:
italy, south korea, japan

47. Name 6 bands that you like:
pixies, the cure, cut copy, talking heads, camera obscura, ween

48. What are 2 names that you go by?
karen, karen

49. Who is in the house with you?
no one.

50. What are you thinking about right now?
going outside and enjoying the day rather than doing this survey

51. What's most unappealing thing about the opposite sex?
that some of them do all things through christ who strengthens them. replace “christ” with “their penis.” replace “who strengthens them” with nothing.

52. What are you doing right now?
typing. duh.

53. Last text message saved in your inbox?
something from luke

54. Why?
why not?

2007-06-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

2007-06-18T01:06:00.000-05:00

sex. sex is a strange thing. a great thing, mind you, and i’m glad to have experienced it in my older years but still it is a strange thing...it is especially strange to attempt to discuss such things with people who have not deprived themselves of it for a seemingly infinite amount of years and it feels as if i am speaking to a foreigner. it’s okay though. it’s best just to attempt to get them to think back to a time when they lived in a sexless world though it appears that those times are so long gone that any attempts to go there are torturous at best. sigh. in many ways i feel inadequate and strange by the fact that i am still so new to the experience but then i also feel that it’s more than the experience that i crave and thusly it makes deliberate sense. i want more than the act and sometimes i do just want the act but i want it to be with someone i care about immensely so that even then it means something even to a small degree. maybe i put the whole thing on a pedestal that it need not be on. in fact i assume i do and for this i don’t feel bad. i just wish it were easier for the guys that i do care about to understand. in this recent relationship, i said that it was difficult for me to open up (emotionally and physically. yar.) and he said that he understood this and said that he cared enough to wait. well, apparently the wait was too long and now he’s annoyed and frustrated which makes me infininitely annoyed and frustrated. who do you think you are? i can definitely understand feeling these things but to go from one to the other so quickly is cruel though most likely the way in which emotions come and go. i do not blame him for feeling the way he feels but i must question the fluctuation. in a few short days one way changes to another. this behavior is infinitely frightening and does not aid in my ability to trust. and i so want to trust. i know that i am an extremely difficult person to know and yet i also know that once you are able to even peer over the wall that it is quite easy to find me. i am there. i may front but ultimately i am so immensely wanting to know you inside and out and have you know me. it may not seem like it, i realize, but i am just afraid of hurting you and being hurt. this is a common fear and yet something that i now realize is such an amazingly beautiful thing. yes, we can be hurt...i can be hurt and yet, i want to take that chance....with you. to make such a choice with open arms is so painfully wonderful that it hurts even to talk about. with all the hurt in the world those that you know for yourself and that you’ve heard about and those that you’ve dreamed up in your head, even with all that pain and heartache, you decide to say yes to the possibility of undeniable sadness and hurt, that is so fantastic that i can’t even describe how achingly real and optimistic it makes me. on the same note though, being open to such pain is also being open to incredible happiness so maybe it’s just the hope that keeps us afloat. though i’ve found that hope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. ultimately, i’ve discovered in the last few days that i want to be open to life and all that comes with it, to not just know of relationships but to be an active participant in living and caring for other human beings and to not feel badly or strangely about it. each day, each moment is another opportunity. i do not want to waste it on hesitation.

2007-05-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

i feel really great right now....better than i have in months. i can only assume it has to do with the physical activity. i know i've written about my not-so-secret love affair with my bike so i won't go into that but i've been running again and doing some swimming. i guess i've been gearing up for my own personal triathlon.

work is okay. i'm just burning out on it and the people i work with. i'll have a new job soon enough so that i just make this job my second job...job, job, job. that's a weird word.

anyway, unfortunately it will be a rain-filled week...but saturday which was supposed to be rain-filled as well, seems to be a decent day and my previous plans to go to the sutliff bridge that day (something i've talked about for quite some time) are still in effect. hooray. the person i'm going with is from cedar rapids as well and hadn't even heard of it either so i think it was just a popular thing in certain circles. well, if it doesn't rain we'll see what that's about...maybe i'll take a few pictures too.

also, this saturday is the grand re-opening of white rabbit, a D.I.Y. art and apparel store/boutique/gallery. it moved to a larger space above the yacht club and there will be food by redhead and bands playing...and it's free. wheeee! i'm still working on my stuff that i plan on eventually selling so it'll be good to see what other people are doing and seeing what they're charging since i have no clue how much to charge. i don't want to ask too much but i don't want to not make a little money for my hard work. well, i'll figure it out.

hmmmm...that's all to report for now. something fantastic will be happening within the week. i feel it...because i'll make it so.

2007-04-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

- T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land, 1922.

ah, april was the cruellest month.

but, today is the last day and tomorrow is a beginning of something new, says i.

i have the bike i have craved. this is momentous! and better yet, some know of the call i received from the bike shop some weeks ago which had me in a semi-tizzy because i feared the reason behind it. but, when i stopped in later to put some more money down on my lay-lay-lay-away bicycle, no one mentioned any badness to me so i assumed that they had figured it all out and i had no need to worry.

alas! i paid off the bike today and they informed me that they had actually already sold the gray bike that i put money down for. i was startled for a minute but then they said that they were just going to give me the brand spankin' new 2007 model of the same bike which means it would come in a different (not boring gray) color. woo hoo! so this is my new bike:

and i like it much better. well, i'm off...i have a bike riding date so off i go...zooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!

2007-04-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

i have decided...
tomorrow (today, actually)
is
BIKE DAY!

i'm buying my bicyclette!
i will whoosh
and swoosh!

then, i will feel better.
i know it!

i'll rap about it later...

2007-04-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

how did i celebrate my half-birthday revelation, you ask? oh, by getting into a car accident on my day off a few hours after that post. it's been a lovely week...

2007-04-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

i knew there was a reason why i've putting up photos of cakes lately (or at least thinking about it)....today's my half birthday! wheeeeeeee!
this means i have 6 months until i turn...

2007-04-26T15:27:00.000-05:00

for some reason, i don't work much this weekend. i feel weird when i don't work...i'll have what seems to be massive time on my hands. last weekend i was in chicago, so i thought i'd be working this weekend but it seems i'm not. i guess i'll just get caught up on things. go get some applications and do some cleaning, maybe wash my car, put down some mo' money on my bike which is inching closer and closer to being mine, and just try to organize my life physically and mentally. my roommates will be out of town as well so i'll also have the place to myself.

life's a weird little pony. i'm teetering lately for reasons i'd rather not get into now especially since i'm waiting for a certain talk with a certain someone about certain things which will absolutely help in giving me less random frantic thoughts and sleepless nights.

all can be well.

2007-04-26T00:49:00.000-05:00

no one belongs here more than you.

2007-04-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

2007-04-20T02:19:00.001-05:00

tomorrow ends my 10-day work-a-thon!
after work i'm off to chicago to see a kid i love.
woo hoo!
the weather will be lovely.
this pleases me.

2007-04-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

i predicted correctly. there were three people working yesterday including myself and we only need two closers each night so.... one guy wanted to close and the other one didn't know what he wanted...so that dude guy and i had to have a coin toss to decide who was staying and who was going. i won so i got to go home.

hooray!

so, what did i do with my time?

well, i got off around 8 and went home to change my clothes. and then met up with darcy and geoff at the deadwood. geoff was grieving his beloved corvette which had gotten totaled earlier in the day...apparently he had the car at his parents house and somehow the gas pedal got stuck while it was started in the driveway and the brakes wouldn't work and it went through the garage causing $20,000 worth of damage and totaling his car. i'm thinking he's lucky that we wasn't driving the car on the street or interstate or whatever when it happened or things could have turned out differently.

anyway, so i spent yesterday at deadwood and went home early. i had a shot of makers and 2 glasses of beer and was spent. it had been quite some time since i've had alcohol since i've been sick so i got tipsy fairly quickly.

and there's a new photo booth at the bar! d & i took pics.

don't ask what i'm doing in the one on the left. i have no idea. darcy thinks she looks too boobariffic in the photos. is that possible? la la la fa la.

2007-04-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

i predict i will get off of work early today. what will i do with the wee bit of extra time? ooooh, the possibilities are endless...most likely buy wiper blades or new sunglasses since my old ones are broken. my life! exciting!

will my prediction come true?
i will know by 6. i predict that too.
la la la.

2007-04-11T03:12:00.000-05:00

www.sick.com

that's an unexpected website.

anyway, as you may have guessed i'm a sickly kid. not too bad but i feel wacked out and it's amplified being in this cold basement room. i've been good and drinking orange juice and resting as much as i can. i work a bunch this week so i hope i can get better soon.

i cannot wait for the weather to become nice! it makes me quite happy just thinking about all the fun outdoory things i can do once mother nature cooperates. hooray!

now look at this adorable kitten...as a sandwich! oh gee! ain't that a hoot and a half? what will they think of next!

please kill me. meow.

2007-04-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

it's moving day! i'll be back in iowa city! hooray!

not totally sure if timbo is 100% gone from the basement room but he's generally good about that stuff so we'll see. i think i'll wait until tomorrow anyway to officially move in. it's super rainy today and tomorrow looks like a better day to move my CR stuff in. i have to work tonight as well and tomorrow night but then i'll have three days off which sucks but i'll utilize those days to return the basement to its former glory (as in decorate, go through my old shit, and organize) and go get some job applications. i want another job in addition to my current one so hopefully i'll find something that's worth it. i guess there's open interviews tomorrow at a new bread store that's opening with an oddly high starting wage so i think i'll pop in there and get all interviewed up.

the forecast looks good for the weekend...a wee bit chilly but no rain so that's happiness. it'll be good for when scott comes to visit. hooray!

speaking of hoorays, i went to world of bikes in iowa city yesterday despite the downpouring rain to see if they had the bike i looked at at northtowne cycling in cedar rapids. wob is having a super sale right now and there's a gagillion employees on the floor wearing these horribly bright neon green shirts advertising the sale and with the florescent lighting in the store and the limited space it makes one almost need to pass out. but, for a change, an employee named ryan rode over and asked if needed help and i said that i wanted a bike that i tried in CR and he went off to try to find it. the computer said that it was in the store but he had to go through all the bikes on floor and in the basement to find it. i waited for a good ten minutes while ryan did his thing and then on the eleventh minute or so he started panicking and profusely apologizing to me. he made me feel like i was planning on hitting him which i wasn't, i swears. i had plenty of time before i had to be at work and it was crazy raining outside so i wasn't in any hurry. anyway, to make a long story shorter, ryanino found the bike...but it was in the sold bike section. boo! but ryanino found his manager and asked about it and the manager said that it was possibly a hold but if i wanted to buy it, then he'd let me have it. sure, i feel bad for the dude who put it on hold but it was the bike i wanted and on sale so fuck that. i put money down on it and happily they have a layaway thang there so i have 3 months to pay it off. so, that's cake. i'm sure i'll want to ride it once the weather is less crappy and cold so i figure i won't need 3 months but it's nice to have that option. hooray! bike for me!

i got the giant cypress in gray.

sure, it's a little boring to look at i suppose but once i put on the banana seat, handlebar streamers, and a white wicker basket on the front filled with fuzzy kittens that'll definitely jazz it up a little. i know it!

bike, bike, bike, bike! bike, bike, bike!

2007-03-29T14:01:00.000-05:00

where is the sunshine? the warm weather? the happiness?

this weather is bringing me down. it makes me not think about my vast desire for a new bike. it delays my purchase which is probably a good thing but i want to want to ride and i want to want to play outside and think about skipping work to play outside.

rain rain rain.

coldness.

ROAR!

narrated knife fight

Don Hertzfeldt

April is the cruellest month, breedingLilacs out of the dead land, mixingMemory and desire, stirringDull roots with spring rain.

- T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land, 1922.

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.